Hey everybody, Papa Frank here. You may have recently heard I sent my nemsis, Cardinal Burke, off to Guam to attend some trial. I figured he would like that cause he’s like super into making judgements. Well, I’ve been thinking for some time about that Dubia that Cardinal Burke and his reactionary, rule-loving friends sent me and I think I’ve come to a profound spiritual discovery that I’d like to share:
Remember kids, even though Jesus mentioned not to do some things and to do other things…don’t judge!
So the second black mass in less than a year was conducted in Oklahoma City last week.
The question I keep asking amidst all the outrage is how did they get their hands on a consecrated host?
Where oh where did the Servants of Satan acquire the Eucharist?
It’s perfectly plausible the followers of the Father of Lies told a whopper of a fish story but let’s give old Beelzebub’s minions the benefit of the doubt and consider that they are actually telling the truth. I know what you are thinking, “Well, being honest wouldn’t be very Lucifer-like of them, now would it?” But for argument’s sake, let’s assume they aren’t committing charity against duplicity, and that their claims are truthful. It must make them feel at least a bit ashamed of themselves, you know, not being Satan-like enough.
But back to my query as to the source of the host they desecrated. How is it possible they were able to grab the Eucharist and be off with Him?
Did they break into a church, force open the tabernacle and steal a ciborium? That would mean they gained many more consecrated hosts, and that we can expect an increase in the number black masses. But let’s say these Satanists are law-abiding American citizens, who don’t break the laws (I know, I know they are sounding less and less devoted to their belief system).
How was it possible they got their hands on the Eucharist?
There are only a few people who are supposed to handle the Eucharist. Those people include: priests, bishops and deacons.
Any chance one of these Satanists was devout enough to actually rob a deacon, priest or bishop on his way to distribute communion to the sick and dying? Perhaps this happened and the victim didn’t want to announce it for fear of upsetting the faithful.
I’ve seen news stories of Satanists attempting to lift Our Lord from mass. I’m not sure if the Church keeps statistics on stolen hosts but if I were a devilish deceiver, it would seem like the perfect opportunity.
You have to ask yourself when is the opportunity the greatest and who holds the consecrated host?
At an ordinary Catholic mass that would be the priest, the extraordinary ministers of communion (most often utilized in ordinary circumstances) and every Catholic who refuses to receive communion on the tongue.
That pretty much narrows down the list of parishes, at least the parishes weren’t the source of the stolen host, to a few.
All it would take to accomplish such a task would be a little sleight of hand, handed down through generations by grandfathers and uncles pulling nickels and quarters from behind the ears of wild-eyed children.
The recipient has Our Lord handed over like change at a restaurant, and he doesn’t even have to perform a dine and dash. He can pretend to toss Our Blessed Lord into his mouth like buttered movie popcorn, hide the consecrated host up a sleeve, and walk straight to the parking lot with little to no chance of being detected.
After all, many parishes are more concerned with keeping you in the right communion line, lest you offend the extraordinary minister by going to the person with consecrated hands instead of the person to whom he’s outsourced a portion of his duties.
We receive the greatest treasure in heaven and earth at mass. We should want the entire world to receive it, provided they are Catholic and properly disposed. It is time we consider whether parish priests and bishops who desire that everyone recklessly handle and hand out communion share in the culpability for these black masses.
Let us never forget that the first time that wicked people laid their hands on Our Blessed Lord it occurred because He allowed them, and every subsequent time it was because we allowed them.
Oh hey there everybody. In the event you missed my highly spritual Sunday address to everybody, I wanted to make sure you got a chance to hear it again here. It goes like this:
People who worry about “what” to believe or “how” to be excellent are missing his message. Those of use who are super humble and super advanced in the spiritual life know what it means just to BE excellent each other! I wish those mean old conservatives would stop pointing out all the logical flaws in my off-the-cuff theological statements and just spend more time being excellent to me!
From the Desk of Sister Pantsuit:
Sisters Unite! I wanted to update you on the PROGRESS we’re making all around the country. I am just returning from running a week long “Discover Your Inner Womyn-Priest” Retreat. I am pleased to report that Papa Frank has really envigorated senior womyn (both biological and transitioning) to stand and demand justice. I want to share with you what we did on the retreat so you can plan to attend next year:
Monday:
Tuesday:
Wednesday:
Thursday:
Friday:
Saturday:
Sunday:
As you can see we had a blast! We hope to see you next year!
Fight on Sisters,
Sr. Pantsuit, OSB
From the Desk of Bishop Brennan:
As auxiliary bishop of the American Congo, I recently began receiving emails from concerned Catholics about the direction a certain relief service for Catholics has taken in our diocese. I have received letters claiming the organization is attempting to promote contraception and abortion in the American Congo.
I have been informed that these revelations come as a result of malcontents within the organization who can’t understand that the Catholic Church doesn’t have all the answers. These individuals’ accusations were relayed to their home parishes and discouraged the laity from giving during the second collection at mass.
I wish for you all to know that I have fully investigated these claims and have identified the sources of the problem.
We take these accusations seriously and are working to ensure they are adequately addressed.
I hope you all will accept my humble apologies for these complaints and return to the giving. I have American Congo officials to bribe so that I can continue to help the poor help themselves out of poverty … by having fewer children.
From the Desk of Cardinal Kasper the Unfriendly Ghost:
I’ve taken great delight in attempting to subvert and destroy Catholic Doctrine, Tradition, and culture. Frequently, however, I have run into problems with squirrely little try-hards who seem stuck on making the Church into some type of religious organization. They point to Tradition, Scripture, the Magisterium, Natural Law, and, all too often, St. Thomas Aquinas. He is the bane of my neo-hegelian existance. Well, I am here to tell you the non-believers of tomorrow’s Church will thank me because I’ve finally proven St. Thomas Aquinas to be wrong! We can live lives even more free of the constraints of morality, logic, and “Christian Dogma”!
Aquinas once wrote:
Nullus dat quod non habet
Paraphrased and morphed into:
Nemo dat quod non habet
Essentially ‘no one gives what he doesn’t have’. Well, Cardinal Kasper the Unfriendly Ghost has been thinking long and hard to disprove Aquinas. I’ve done it.
A Sad Clown Can Give Happiness
There you have it members of the Church Community. Not even the greatest mind of the patriarchal Church could stand up to my rigorous intellectual scrutiny. Now I’m off to spread the word that he was also wrong about the Sacraments!
It is nice to see Church leadership speak truths. It can give the faithful a reassurance that all is not lost and, although we are living through crazy times, not all Cardinals and Bishops have completely lost touch with the reality that faithful Catholics face. Recently, in Bologna, Cardinal Caffarra remarked:
“We are witnessing a progressive delegitimization of the culture in the name of a supposedly more pastoral commitment.”
and…
“A Church that is poorer in doctrine is not more pastoral, just more ignorant..therefore more subject to the powerful pressures of the moment….”
This sparked thunderous applause…
Thank you Cardinal Caffarra.
So I was trying like super hard to come up with my prayer intentions for this month and I was thinking about how the whole culture of Christianity is all bad and terrible and everything. Then I was thinking like we should totally pray that indigenous peoples are like totally protected from crazy zealots who want to talk to them about Jesus and everything. I mean come on, it’s like offensive and stuff. Like, who am I to judge if their culture and worship is better or worse than Christianity. Further, if we didn’t respect indigenous cultures I would have never learned about this super awesome Buddah dude! I like him a lot. It seems like he can be whatever I want him to be. Plus, now I can buy that Zen cereal and have a truly spiritual breakfast.
We Couldn’t Have Said It Better
It wasn’t your friends at casualfrank.com who put the posters up in Rome pointing out Papa Frank’s hypocrisy in his message of mercy but his rule of autocracy. We do; however, we salute those who did.
“Ah Francis, you’ve taken over congregations, removed priests, decapitated the Order of Malta and the Franciscans of the Immaculate, ignored Cardinals… but where’s your mercy?”
As our Generalissimo continues his unending verbal war against Catholics who simply desire to live out the faith, perhaps this lent brings with it connotations of the Church being on a journey to Calvery.