From the Desk of Bishop Brennan:
As auxiliary bishop of the American Congo, I recently began receiving emails from concerned Catholics about the direction a certain relief service for Catholics has taken in our diocese. I have received letters claiming the organization is attempting to promote contraception and abortion in the American Congo.
I have been informed that these revelations come as a result of malcontents within the organization who can’t understand that the Catholic Church doesn’t have all the answers. These individuals’ accusations were relayed to their home parishes and discouraged the laity from giving during the second collection at mass.
I wish for you all to know that I have fully investigated these claims and have identified the sources of the problem.
We take these accusations seriously and are working to ensure they are adequately addressed.
- We have established new guidelines for hiring employees to ensure only spiritually mature individuals are hired for future posts.
- We have incorporated special testing to weed out those with rigid attitudes about Heaven and Hell and Everlasting Life.
- We have developed a new curriculum to teach our employees to respect the ideas of those with whom they disagree and to remind them that no single belief has all of the answers about what is best in the world, or even moral.
- We are changing the Big “C” in our acronym to a little “c” so everyone better understands it’s just “universal” not Roman Catholic. We can’t have a modern organization appealing to superstition and medieval ideas about the world.
- We are also educating our employees so they understand we only take money from Catholics, we don’t actually use it for Catholic things.
I hope you all will accept my humble apologies for these complaints and return to the giving. I have American Congo officials to bribe so that I can continue to help the poor help themselves out of poverty … by having fewer children.